Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
