Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
