Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
