Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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