Pants 0. Shit 1.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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