In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
