Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
