what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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