Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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