Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
