can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
