In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
