If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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