Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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