the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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