mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
