she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
