We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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