Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
