I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
