it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
