my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
