As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize