The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
