You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
