Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
