one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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