dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
