That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
