I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
