i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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