the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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