Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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