Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Someone shit on the floor
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
