got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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