I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
