mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Welp...herpes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
