I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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