there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
