Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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