U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
