This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
