4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
