Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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