Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
