Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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