so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
