Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
