i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
