im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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